Before I begin, I do want to acknowledge that the term, “crazy ex girlfriend” has been criticized as being insensitive — that it demeans women by implicitly stating that a woman who responds in any way a man doesn’t like, after a break-up, is somehow emotionally unstable. It’s said that this is a form of shaming people with mental illness. It’s said that it reduces women, particularly dumped women, to being bags of histrionic irrationality. I’m aware of the cultural resistance to the term “crazy ex girlfriend”. In response, I’d like to qualify what I say by stating clearly and unequivocally, “I don’t care.”
We all know 2 fundamental truths. 1) a lot of men who are looking for a reason to justify a breakup do so by claiming that their ex girlfriend is crazy, when, in reality, maybe he was simply a selfish pig. 2) some women behave irrationally after a breakup and degrade themselves. And why not a bonus point? 3) sometimes there’s overlap between 1 and 2.
Now, there are all sorts of psychological and sociological reasons why women may behave irrationally after a break-up. I’m not going to attempt now to parse through these, but let’s simply say that, for whatever reason, many women find great fulfillment in sinking their personality and individuality into a man and are, therefore, devastated after a breakup. While some of this may be good — indeed it may be what God intended! not all of it is healthy, especially when it leads to desperate and self-destructive (or other-destructive) behavior post hoc. Charles Spurgeon writes words of immense beauty that while they may seem sexist to our modern(ized) ears, it seems that this relationship is what many women, in their heart of hearts desires:
“She delights in her husband, in his person, his character, his affection; to her, he is not only the chief and foremost of mankind, but in her eyes he is all-in-all; her heart's love belongs to him, and to him only. She finds sweetest content and solace in his company, his fellowship, his fondness; he is her little world, her Paradise, her choice treasure. At any time, she would gladly lay aside her own pleasure to find it doubled in gratifying him. She is glad to sink her individuality in his. She seeks no renown for herself; his honor is reflected upon her, and she rejoices in it. She would defend his name with her dying breath; safe enough is he where she can speak for him. The domestic circle is her kingdom; that she may there create happiness and comfort, is her lifework; and his smiling gratitude is all the reward she seeks. Even in her dress, she thinks of him; without constraint she consults his taste and considers nothing beautiful which is distasteful to him.
A tear from his eye, because of any unkindness on her part, would grievously torment her. She asks not how her behavior may please a stranger, or how another's judgment may approve her conduct; let her beloved be content, and she is glad. He has many objects in life, some of which she does not quite understand; but she believes in them all, and anything she can do to promote them, she delights to perform. He lavishes love on her, and, in return, she lavishes love on him.”
But, on to the point.
The Church is America’s crazy ex girlfriend. I mean, America and the Church had some good years. Let’s face it, the 16th through the early 20th centuries had some rocky times, but, on the whole, it was good and getting better. Everybody said they made a cute couple! De Tocqueville thought that they were a match made in heaven! It seemed the relationship would continue forever.
But despite the good times, America and the Church seemed to be growing apart. In the 18th Century, America thought that the Church’s little sister Deism was pretty hot and was spending WAY more time than was appropriate with her. And then there was that whole fracas in the 1860s when the Church couldn’t make up its mind about whether owning people was bad or not. But America and the Church got over it and their relationship seemed to have only been strengthened by the turmoil and trials and tribulations.
But then things started changing in a more permanent way. You see, the Church wasn’t getting any younger, and even though America and the Church had been together since middle school, the Church was getting kinda jealous. The Church was afraid that her cousin Modernism was going to steal her man. So she got on board with Liberalism. You know, she stopped really giving her opinion on things and just tried, in every way, to be like Modernism and she lost her self-confidence and really just wasn’t herself. And when a woman loses her own personal je ne sais quoi, and tries to imitate the younger prettier girl it’s not a good look. She wears too much make-up and clothes that are way too young for her, and it isn’t empowering; it’s clingy and desperate.
And the Church and America may have survived, but then came along the Jolene of Philosophies: Postmodernism. And when this happened the Church just went off the deep end. She lost all sense of who she was and the desperation and the neediness and the clingyness was a bit much. Moreover, the Church made America forget why they fell in love in the first place. When the Church tried to be the airhead hotty Postmodernism, she looked like what she was: an older woman trying desperately to be a lot younger.
And America decided it was time for them to “take a break”. I mean, America still wanted to be friends. And frankly, America still wanted to hook-up at 4AM when it needed objective morality and an epistemic framework or a coherent metaphysical basis for the universe. But it was over.
And now, like in every breakup that happens when a man loses interest, the Church had two choices. It could say, “well, trying to be someone else didn’t work! I’m going to go back to being myself! I’m a strong, independent woman, and yes, this hurts, but I’ve got nobody but myself to blame and the best thing I can do is go back to square one, and work on me for a while and make myself the best version of me I can be.”
OR.
Or, the Church could say, “if only there were a way that I could show him how much I love him and need him! if only he could see that I still care! does he know that my life is meaningless without him?…I know what I’ll do! I’ll double down on trying to be someone I’m not and text him 73 times a day and stalk him and flirt with his friends and wear the skankiest clothes I own to parties I know he’s gonna be at.”
Yes. Yes. Plan B is clearly the best of all the plans. Let’s have Plan B. Good ole plan B. Plan B never fails!
And so the Church became America’s crazy ex girlfriend.
What did this look like? Well, it looks like the seeker-friendly movement. The Church decided that instead of proclaiming the Gospel, once for all handed down to the saints — instead of proclaiming the simple message of sin and righteousness — instead of proclaiming Jesus as the Way, the Truth, and the Life and that there is no Way to the Father except through Him — instead of insisting on holiness in pew and pulpit — instead of being ambassadors for Christ — instead of doing any of these things, the Church decided to try to be cooler than the culture and more scintillating than sin.
We tried to out-world the world. And, to our dismay, the worldlings weren’t fooled! They said, “I know a counterfeit, comsumerized version of Christianity and I don’t want it. I’d rather have sex, drugs, and rock and roll without the self-help pep-talk, thank you very much.”
And the Church was shocked. Like the crazy ex girlfriend who degrades herself through booty calls and smilingly makes the walk of shame for the 5th time this month, the Church thought, “can’t he see I’m doing this to win him back?”
The Church said, “I know HIM! He likes rock music and coffee. Instead of the Church being a place for: the proclamation and preaching of the Word; the sacraments rightly offered; the gathering of the brethren to worship and glorify the Eternal, Almighty, Only Wise God, let’s have a rock concert in a coffee bar!”
And it worked — until it didn’t.
So, the Church doubled down in its degradation. Like the fool in the friend zone the Church hung out while America drank White Claw, glutted itself on Doritos, and played Call of Duty till dawn in the desperate hope that maybe she could win her man back. And, wonder of wonders — nobody wants to be in a relationship with a desperate fraud.
Then along came the day when America decided it was done screwing around and got facebook official with Secularism, which is what Postmodernism started calling herself after she got into grad school, began wearing non-prescription glasses, and her daddy bought her a Lexus.
And the Church is sitting there, crying over old photos and wondering why America doesn’t love her anymore. She had done everything to win him back and he despised her.
And so what should the Church do? Should it keep trying, oh so pathetically to get America to like her? Or should she be herself and try to regain a few shreds of dignity?
Let’s get serious.
The Church in America needs to stop trying to be anything other that what she was intended to be. Being World-Lite hasn’t worked because it wasn’t designed to. We marvel that we have no impact in the world — that America ignores us. We marginalized ourselves. We decided to preach self-help and health and wealth and legalism and modernism and political correctness instead of preaching Christ Jesus and Him crucified. We decided that being cool was more important than being Christlike. We decided that being hip was more important than being Holy. We decided that being “tolerant” was more important than being on the side of Truth. We decided that getting meat in the seats through an “experience” was more important that getting the Word into people’s hearts so the Holy Spirit could transform. We decided that it was OK for preachers to spend more time squeezing into their skinny jeans and perfecting their bed-head than studying Greek and Hebrew to exegete the Scripture. We decided that preaching was crass, but some guy “chattin’ with ya” was en vogue and au courant.
The Church surrendered its voice and seems to be falling all over itself to surrender even more of what makes it distinct in the desperate and ludicrous hope that if we totally become someone else, that then we’ll be likeable and maybe, just maybe, after we’ve lost all sense of identity and we’ve degraded ourselves and become truly pathetic that maybe we’ll be the kind of Church America wants.
We all feel a mix of pity and despite at the humiliating psychological and behavioral gymnastics of the desperate ex girlfriend. Why should we expect the world would feel anything but contempt for a Church doing the same thing?