If you, like me, enjoyed Tiger King, then perhaps you, like me, have thought, “My heavens! Tigers are such magnificent beasts! How delightful it would be to ride upon one?!”
Think about it. Tigers are powerful, fast, and frankly, when you come to an intersection, you ALWAYS have the right-of-way when you’re astride a tiger. Imagine the power and authority you would feel. Why, if you were to ride a tiger, you’d have the ability to control things. People would have to listen to you…because, if they don’t, well, let’s just say they’re invited to lunch, lolz.
And riding a tiger would be such great fun, if for no other reason than the cringing, obsequious smiles of the little peons, and the admiring smiles of the sheeple, and the bitter, jealous smiles of the tarantulas! ‘Cause, friend, there’s only 2 kinds ‘a people in this world: people who ride tigers, and everybody else.
And that’s why it’s so fun to see people in our nation’s churches attempt to get on board with Critical Race Theory and Social Justiceering and Wokeism. It’s just neato. Because these cool beans are showing us just what it means to ride the tiger. So, let me give you a quick breakdown: a sort of how-to manual so your church or denomination can also be one of the specials who get to be sat athwart Panthera Tigris!
Step One: Saddle Your Tiger.
Now, this is the scary part, and frankly, this is where things can go wrong. Try to do it immediately after a tiger has just gorged itself on its most recent victim. It will be satiated on that hapless schlub for a bit, so, while the tiger is sleepy and a little blood-drunk, now’s the time to put on that saddle.
Churches and denominations, here’s what you do. Wait until some riots happen and things get burned down for some reason or another and then decide to side with the rioters. It doesn’t matter why they’re rioting. They just are. See this not as a time to entertain scruples but to not let a crisis go to waste.
You can do this in a lot of ways, but be aware, the more secure the saddle the better the ride.
So, here’s what I recommend. Whatever the rioters/ communists/ perverts/ anarchists/ racists/ space aliens demand, you agree to – wholeheartedly. Not only that, but you need to create creedal affirmations of the hostage ransom note…I mean, reasonable demands of justice minded people. If you can twist scripture, great. Do so. If you want to ride tigers, remember this mantra “Never don’t twist scripture!” If the ransom demands…I mean, manifesto…I mean reasonable demands of justice minded people are so contrary to the Bible, Christianity, or the Judeo-Christian ethic, that you simply CANNOT twist scripture, then YOU’RE. NOT. TRYING. HARD. ENOUGH.
Listen, man, you want to be a tiger king or a Carole Baskin? Come on man. Enough of that malarkey. If you can’t twist scripture to suit any and every occasion, you’re unfit to be a pastor or denominational episcopos. Come on, man. Do better.
Step two: Ride That Tiger.
Here comes the fun part. Now you get to devour and demolish all your enemies by seizing the limitless power of a saddled tiger. In the words of the great theologue Harry Belefante, “jump in the saddle; hold on to the bridle!” You see someone who called your church “liberal”? Eat-‘em-up! Some pastor said that you “were a heretic”? Eat-‘em-up! Some layman pointed out that you have publicly denied and repudiated the Nicene Creed? EAT that sucka’!
The tiger, like the Eagles in LOTR, are literally the solution to every problem. Don’t have enough votes in your session or regional meeting or national conference to get your way? Let that stripey-cat solve your troubles for you.
What’s best is that once you start riding the tiger: people know it! I mean, it’s not a subtle act. Everyone with eyes to see (who doesn’t get gobbled up) will see, plain as day, that you’re riding the tiger. Your ministry is BOUND to expand and your church and denomination be filled by people enthralled to the naked theological and social power that comes from a woman riding a beast…wait, that sounds wrong for some reason…nvm.
People will say, while driving past your church “whoa, that’s that church riding the tiger!” And they’ll be right. Soon and very soon, all your enemies and adversaries will be in flight. You and your tiger will, like Caesar of old, bestride the narrow world like a colossus. Riding the tiger will give you power and prestige. And eventually, when you’ve done all you could and crushed every foe and won every battle and rewritten every constitution and scrapped every creed and you are victorious uber alles and you weep that there are no more worlds to conquer (you needn’t sit down to weep, you’re already sitting on a tiger, mind you) then there will only be one thing to do.
Get off that pesky tiger and get him in a cage.